Thursday, September 21, 2006

What is the Baja Wipeout

Date: September 21, 2006

Listening to: Sufjan Stevens : Illinoise

Drinking: Cockburn’s Special Reserve Port

It is the question that has consumed the mind of intellectuals for all the history of man-kind, the focus of ponderment (yup, made that up) for professional ponderers, the riddle that has ruffled the feathers of every revolutionary rastafarian ever to think revolutionary thoughts…

What is the Baja Wipeout?

I know what the Baja Wipeout is, and I can tell you; but I’d have to kill you. Actually, I would have had to kill you, but this information has recently been declassified and made available to a select few outside the Omega-7 security level. Oops, you shouldn’t even know the Omega-7 security level exists… just pretend you didn’t hear that.

Anyway, since I know only the highest echelons of society are aware of this “internet”, I suppose it’s safe to tell you about the Baja Wipeout. What we’re talking about is an evolutionary leap ahead in the culinary development of the human race. The Baja Wipeout is a pizza; bear in mind however, this is no ordinary pizza. Oh no; this pizza is born out of the inability of both myself and a certain stunningly beautiful and creative woman known as Burl Amber Sequoia Martin to constrain our imaginations to what is commonly known about the universe and pizza.

Now, one may be asking one’s self, “what calamity of condiments is on this wondrous creation of irrational thought and tomato sauce?” And if you’re not asking yourself that, you should wonder why not.

[hang on, I’ve got to go get some more port… you know, keeps the creative juices flowing]

Well, ask and ye shall receive. I’ll tell you what it takes to create a masterpiece such as the Baja Wipeout. Be warned however, you may want to do some mental stretching exercises, else you may find yourself permanently brain-damaged or traumatized; and I’m not lookin’ to be sued. What follows is highly sensitive information. Were the Taliban somehow to obtain this formula, it could be the deliciously deadly recipe for the end of humanity as we now know it. Guard this information as though your life depends on it. Some day it may.

The Baja Wipeout:

  • Whole wheat pizza crust
  • Sweet, fresh tomato sauce, to be used liberally. Forget liberally, abuse the sauce! Pour it on like you’ll never have another chance.
  • Pizza style canadian bacon and pepperoni
  • Mixed mozzarella and cheddar cheese (there may be room for improvement here, we’ve not had ample time to experiment).
  • Quartered artichoke hearts, these should be sliced or split into smaller pieces.
  • Pineapple chunks. Your typical Hawaiian pizza style.
  • Sliced jalapeño peppers. These should be sliced 1/8 to 1/4 inch thick. Available in a jar.

That’s it, bake it until the pepperoni starts to curl and get a touch crispy, and you’re done!

I’ll admit that it’s conceivable at this point that you may not think the Baja Wipeout sounds all that incredible. This will be difficult but you’re going to have to trust me; you’re mind simply cannot wrap around the greatness of this pizza right now. Go ahead and make one. Somewhere between jalapeno application and sprinkling that last thin layer of shredded cheese, you’ll realize the magnitude of the creation before you, and all that it means for the future of the earth. Make sure someone is around when that happens, because you may pass out, which could be bad if you have a particularly hard kitchen floor. Don’t be ashamed to wear a helmet while preparing this pizza; it could save your life.

I suspect a bottle of Pacifico would compliment this taste-bud-tickler appropriately, appealing to the Hawaiian/Mexican beach influences that permeate the pizza pie. However, I cannot personally attest to the validity of that combination. I happened to have Deschutes Jubelale available, and I can tell you that it was an excellent, if unexpected combination.

In all seriousness, I’m sure it’s been done before; but I haven’t seen it, and it’s awesome. Everyone should try it. Burl and I will take credit. You can send your donations to my paypal account. For tax purposes however, try to keep them under $1,000 unless you just can’t resist.

….I wonder what it’d be like with peanut butter, hmm…

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